Alles was bleibt

Alles was bleibt

Ist das Gefühl sich in jemandem so viele Jahre getäuscht zu haben

und damit auch der Selbstzweifel

Der Zweifel an der eigenen Urteilskraft

Der Mensch der mir am nächsten war

Weist mich zurück als wäre ich eine Unbekannte

Wieder einmal sprunghaft

Von einem Tag auf den anderen

Nein das hatte ich nun doch nicht etwartet

Dass ich wohl nicht mal mehr als Freundin tauge

Dass ich wieder einmal von einem Tag auf den anderen links liegen gelassen werde

Dass du mich schon lange nicht mehr willst und im Ende noch mich dafür bestrafst, dass ich trotzdem bei dir blieb, weil ich dich so unendlich geliebt habe und weil du immer mein Vertrauter warst.

Ich sollte aufhören zu versuchen immer die guten Dinge in den Menschen zu sehen. Ich sollte wohl zukünftig davon absehen Hoffnung in dich zu setzen und dir noch mehr Chancen zu geben, denn am Ende versuche ich nur wieder Verständnis und Zuneigung zu schenken während ich dir wohl in Wahrheit doch gleichgültig bin. Am Ende bist es du der es nicht zulässt, du weinst um etwas, dass ich dir immer geben wollte und du nicht annehmen willst

Es ist paradox, du bist traurig und schafft es die zu verletzen, die dir helfen wollen

Was ist das nur für ein krankes Ego

Was für ein Mann ist aus dir geworden

Ich wusste noch nicht, dass ich dich nun auch als besten Freund verliere.

Dass du mich nicht mehr liebst habe ich gelernt zu akzeptieren, habe mich irgendwann nach unmenschlichen Schmerzen und Tränen damit abgefunden und für Neues geöffnet.

Gestern war ich dir noch wichtig und heute bin ich bereits Schnee von gestern

Du hast niemanden mehr sagst du mir

Du willst niemanden mehr!

Es ist nicht meine Schuld. Ich hätte dich niemals verlassen.

Museums and churches

The most beautiful thing about art is that its meaning lies in the eyes of the viewer.
It can be everything you want it to be, make you think, bring joy and other feelings etc.
So why the hell do museums act as if they were churches? Everyone has to be quiet, walking around in awe. Children are not welcome, if they enjoy art in their way, the museum's staff will be right at your side complaining although your children didn't even touch anithing or scream around, but they could! Please keep them on a leash! Too little movement and critical thinking are a problem of modern civilization causing mental and physical deficits. I object to telling my child to sit still and be quiet because this is what society wants us to be, this is the definition of a good child. Babies are allowed to dream but as soon as they can walk they should act like an adult. I want my child to think and enjoy her body. Sure we have to be part of this society but not assimilated at any cost. Noone should tell you how to correctly view art, that's arrogant: "hey, art is borring, please view it that way." Some time ago theatres and museums were vivid places of joy and discussions, people were alive there, art was alive. The best thing about art is that contrary to religion no one can tell what it has to mean, no indoctrination, its meanings are diverse, and so should its reception be allowed. I want vivid museums and not tell my child, that they are a place of quiet contemplation, that's bullshit. I don't know any artist who wants his works to be recieved in deadsilence and judged like a critic. I don't want to have the same feeling of pressure as when visiting a church in a museum, this - considering its origin - should actually be the complete opposite place.  The pieces we praise now were mostly part of riots and outsiders in their beginning. Less judging more art history for the museum staff and visitors would be great.

Pretty close

My companion

He stays by my side
Won't let me go without him
Every day I get up
Every time I lie down
He is there and follows me everywhere
I can't see a way out
A deep sadness keeks crushing emotions every time they try to fight their way through towards daylight
Sadness, my new companion, will you ever let me go again?
My once happy life tries to vanish from my thoughts.
The mourning about a lost love
Maybe 10 happy years are more than others get
Maybe it was too good to be true
I had it all
And lost so much
The safeness and warmth of a family
Love is so deep, I can't just push it aside.
It is the inner bond of a family
Amourosness, the hormonal imbalance fades with time, it's superficial and volatile
Love is so much deeper
No need for exceptional hormonal conditions.

My love

Do I need you: No
Do I want you: I don' know it anymore
Do I love you: Yes I still do and will probabely never stop to

Your new plan is not to make plans anymore
Just another side of enforcement
Doesn't seem to make you happier
or even content

Nothing I do seems good enough for you
I will never be something new
I am who I am
still willing to go through the fire for you
but what does it mean for you?

What will you find somewhere else
someone who accepts you like I do?
Everything new you do, will turn old the next time you go
Wanting the unreachable
the unbearable
just to loose it all

Hands

Gedankengeier

Gedankenströme kreisen nicht um das Schöne
Sondern immer wieder um das gleiche Übel
Halten mich im hier und jetzt

Gedankenkreise erlauben keinen Ausbruch
Erzwingen monotone Bilder
Der selben Pein

Gedankengeier picken an Vergangenheit
Träume gehen über Schmerzensschranken
Malen düstre Zukunftsreisen
Kratzen an kaum vorhandner Zuversicht
Schieben sich dazwischen.

Deauville 2013

Lights from the past

Bratislava

A little sprout

A little sprout

Will it grow?

Will it be treaded down

Will it end up in decay?

A little sprout

How will it end up?

So vulnerable and new

Will the wind blow it away?

Or will it last?

The ground it grows on is diverse

The rooting was cut

The wind blows

Hungry snails

Memories of its past

they will last

But the future is unshure

A little sprout

it’s alive by now

One way trip to nowhere

Is real life becoming a play?
I try
but its's hunting me
finds me everywhere I try to hide
Should I look for the exit sign?
I am on a one way trip to nowhere

Sometime darkness takes over
it crawls inside me
destructive thoughts
intense moments
intimacy and unity
jealousy eating me alive

My diseased ego needs pampering
Replacement for once happy thoughts
stole my life

A mentors tip

A choreography teacher once told my that real art lies within minimalism. That does not mean that all art is minimal, it just means that it has to be reduced to its basis. He told me to question every part of my piece and think about, whether it is necessary for the piece or not. Throw out any extras and embellishments, they only blur the message. Keep the elements that make sense within. This will improve whatever you do. I'm quite thankful for this tip and use it whenever I can within my professional life and private passions, though it works best within the parts of my life I am more used to.

Art

Art lies within destruction and pain
The happy artist ceases to exist
Performing art is yet another form of prostitution
while the excuse lies within a declaration as fake
in the same moment the artist shall be on a quest for truth
Every art includes stripping down your soul
becoming vulnerable
that is why I quit
and that is why I found my way back

Out of the cocoon

I came from a world of love and trust
thrown into darkness, pain and disgust
Replacement, Adjustment, Jailbreak, Destruction and letting go.
I am not the same anymore
I am not sane anymore
I am not the one anymore

When I once met you I was fucked,
you made me whole and destroyed me again.
Now she is in my life though I never invited her in
She is not welcome in any way
I have no choice
I would gladly kick her out of any life
Dark thoughts of destruction

Reason - is not what I am going to be

Super-old (Written when I was about 15)

I'm a bad angel in a cruel world
I never watch your face
before I turn around.

Heartless

Heart-less - Less-heart
a vital necessity
less sympathy and less compassion
less love and pain
Hearts are overrated
life-sustaining waste

Discovery