Montag, 2. Februar 2015


I see a light at the end of the tunnel
I hope it does not turn out to be a fire burning me alive
Another chance
Another sacrifice
Another life
More hurt feelings
More pain
So much more gruesome to hurt somebody you love than to hurt yourself
Life has never been so hard before
Life has never destroyed so much of me before
And then there is the smile on my daughters face which makes life worth living at least

Donnerstag, 22. Januar 2015

A rock and a hard place

Something is screaming inside me
I'm sick of rocks and hard places
More complications and fears coming up
Loosing one of them is like cutting off one of my own legs
Will it ever come to a good end
He is feeling better
I'm not
But it used to be a lot worse
I feel closed in
Can't see the one I love at my own home
Feels like being 16 without the advantages
He rules me even when he is not there
I feel closed in although I do a lot
I know how to get out
I know the easiest way but not whether its the right one for me
If it would make me happy or only everyone else?
Why the hell did you bring me into this situation?

Someone I used to love some time ago
Came back
I did not expect him to return, not now
The person I used to love more than my own life was standing in front of me again
And he came back because I sent him away
A paradox that fits him very well
I miss him today, I'm tempted to say " Come back" I want to wake up next to you"
And then I remember that it did not work out, that we destroyed each other and he can probabely only get better without me
I don't love him like I did
All the good memories make me sad
I lived in fear of living without his love since he first told me that he might not love me anymore maybe 9 years ago.
I tried to push the thoughts away
Too horrible to think or talk about
But never completely gone
All that happened took my trust away
I don't want to live without him
But it might be better
Don't know how many infections I still need to cut a leg.

Donnerstag, 11. Dezember 2014

Alles was bleibt

Alles was bleibt
Ist das Gefühl sich in jemandem so viele Jahre getäuscht zu haben
und damit auch der Selbstzweifel
Der Zweifel an der eigenen Urteilskraft
Der Mensch der mir am nächsten war
Weist mich zurück als wäre ich eine Unbekannte
Wieder einmal sprunghaft
Von einem Tag auf den anderen
Nein das hatte ich nun doch nicht etwartet
Dass ich wohl nicht mal mehr als Freundin tauge
Dass ich wieder einmal von einem Tag auf den anderen links liegen gelassen werde
Dass du mich schon lange nicht mehr willst und im Ende noch mich dafür bestrafst, dass ich trotzdem bei dir blieb, weil ich dich so unendlich geliebt habe und weil du immer mein Vertrauter warst.
Ich sollte aufhören zu versuchen immer die guten Dinge in den Menschen zu sehen. Ich sollte wohl zukünftig davon absehen Hoffnung in dich zu setzen und dir noch mehr Chancen zu geben, denn am Ende versuche ich nur wieder Verständnis und Zuneigung zu schenken während ich dir wohl in Wahrheit doch gleichgültig bin. Am Ende bist es du der es nicht zulässt, du weinst um etwas, dass ich dir immer geben wollte und du nicht annehmen willst
Es ist paradox, du bist traurig und schafft es die zu verletzen, die dir helfen wollen
Was ist das nur für ein krankes Ego
Was für ein Mann ist aus dir geworden
Ich wusste noch nicht, dass ich dich nun auch als besten Freund verliere.
Dass du mich nicht mehr liebst habe ich gelernt zu akzeptieren, habe mich irgendwann nach unmenschlichen Schmerzen und Tränen damit abgefunden und für Neues geöffnet.
Gestern war ich dir noch wichtig und heute bin ich bereits Schnee von gestern
Du hast niemanden mehr sagst du mir
Du willst niemanden mehr!
Es ist nicht meine Schuld. Ich hätte dich niemals verlassen.

Sonntag, 5. Oktober 2014

Museums and churches

The most beautiful thing about art is that its meaning lies in the eyes of the viewer.
It can be everything you want it to be, make you think, bring joy and other feelings etc.
So why the hell do museums act as if they were churches? Everyone has to be quiet, walking around in awe. Children are not welcome, if they enjoy art in their way, the museum's staff will be right at your side complaining although your children didn't even touch anithing or scream around, but they could! Please keep them on a leash! Too little movement and critical thinking are a problem of modern civilization causing mental and physical deficits. I object to telling my child to sit still and be quiet because this is what society wants us to be, this is the definition of a good child. Babies are allowed to dream but as soon as they can walk they should act like an adult. I want my child to think and enjoy her body. Sure we have to be part of this society but not assimilated at any cost. Noone should tell you how to correctly view art, that's arrogant: "hey, art is borring, please view it that way." Some time ago theatres and museums were vivid places of joy and discussions, people were alive there, art was alive. The best thing about art is that contrary to religion no one can tell what it has to mean, no indoctrination, its meanings are diverse, and so should its reception be allowed. I want vivid museums and not tell my child, that they are a place of quiet contemplation, that's bullshit. I don't know any artist who wants his works to be recieved in deadsilence and judged like a critic. I don't want to have the same feeling of pressure as when visiting a church in a museum, this - considering its origin - should actually be the complete opposite place.  The pieces we praise now were mostly part of riots and outsiders in their beginning. Less judging more art history for the museum staff and visitors would be great.

Donnerstag, 10. Juli 2014

My companion

He stays by my side
Won't let me go without him
Every day I get up
Every time I lie down
He is there and follows me everywhere
I can't see a way out
A deep sadness keeks crushing emotions every time they try to fight their way through towards daylight
Sadness, my new companion, will you ever let me go again?
My once happy life tries to vanish from my thoughts.
The mourning about a lost love
Maybe 10 happy years are more than others get
Maybe it was too good to be true
I had it all
And lost so much
The safeness and warmth of a family
Love is so deep, I can't just push it aside.
It is the inner bond of a family
Amourosness, the hormonal imbalance fades with time, it's superficial and volatile
Love is so much deeper
No need for exceptional hormonal conditions.

Sonntag, 6. Juli 2014

My love

Do I need you: No
Do I want you: I don' know it anymore
Do I love you: Yes I still do and will probabely never stop to

Your new plan is not to make plans anymore
Just another side of enforcement
Doesn't seem to make you happier
or even content

Nothing I do seems good enough for you
I will never be something new
I am who I am
still willing to go through the fire for you
but what does it mean for you?

What will you find somewhere else
someone who accepts you like I do?
Everything new you do, will turn old the next time you go
Wanting the unreachable
the unbearable
just to loose it all