Donnerstag, 22. Januar 2015

A rock and a hard place

Something is screaming inside me
I'm sick of rocks and hard places
More complications and fears coming up
Loosing one of them is like cutting off one of my own legs
Will it ever come to a good end
He is feeling better
I'm not
But it used to be a lot worse
I feel closed in
Can't see the one I love at my own home
Feels like being 16 without the advantages
He rules me even when he is not there
I feel closed in although I do a lot
I know how to get out
I know the easiest way but not whether its the right one for me
If it would make me happy or only everyone else?
Why the hell did you bring me into this situation?

Someone I used to love some time ago
Came back
I did not expect him to return, not now
The person I used to love more than my own life was standing in front of me again
And he came back because I sent him away
A paradox that fits him very well
I miss him today, I'm tempted to say " Come back" I want to wake up next to you"
And then I remember that it did not work out, that we destroyed each other and he can probabely only get better without me
I don't love him like I did
All the good memories make me sad
I lived in fear of living without his love since he first told me that he might not love me anymore maybe 9 years ago.
I tried to push the thoughts away
Too horrible to think or talk about
But never completely gone
All that happened took my trust away
I don't want to live without him
But it might be better
Don't know how many infections I still need to cut a leg.

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